When someone comes to us with a challenge, it can be surprisingly difficult not to help. We listen. We recognise something in what they are saying. And before long, we’re offering an idea, sharing our own experience, or suggesting what they might do next. 

Often, that instinct comes from a good place. But what might happen if we resisted responding for a little longer? We explored this during our recent workshop on building stronger relationships.  

One of the most consistent themes in the feedback was the value of asking better questions and listening more deliberately. Attendees spoke about being more intentional, asking more open questions, and allowing the other person to lead the conversation.  

 

Creating space to think 

During the session, Nicki Kavanagh used the GROW model in a live conversation with Nicolay Verbraeken, Senior Manager, Commercial & Service Excellence at PwC, who was reflecting on a professional relationship he wanted to strengthen. 

GROW itself is simple: Goal. Reality. Options. Way forward. 

But watching the conversation unfold showed that its usefulness comes less from the four stages themselves and more from what they encourage us to do – to pause, to stay curious, and to resist rushing to help solve the problem. 

Earlier in the session, Nicki described how questions and listening need to have an “ebb and flow”. Rather than firing a succession of questions at someone, we listen to the answer, follow what we hear, and use the next question to understand a little more. 

It sounds simple, but in practice it requires deep focus and discipline. 

 

Staying on somebody else’s agenda 

In the live GROW conversation, Nicolay began by discussing a relationship that had changed. He was no longer working closely with the person day to day. Their circumstances had moved on, and he wanted to find a way to reconnect. 

Rather than moving immediately to “What are you going to do?”, the conversation stayed on what Nicolay wanted the relationship to become, what mattered to the other person, and what success might look like several months down the line.  

Gradually, Nicolay’s thinking shifted. 

When Nicki asked how he might overcome the challenge of getting the other person’s time and attention, Nicolay reflected that perhaps the answer was not to overdo it. Rather than competing for attention, he could move at the other person’s pace.  

Then another thought came: instead of focusing on what he might ask for, what could he give? 

A short message celebrating something that had gone well. A useful piece of information related to a challenge they had previously discussed. A moment of contact without a request for a meeting.  

 

Questions that create movement 

The GROW framework can provide structure without making a conversation feel scripted. 

A few of the questions explored during the session were: 

Goal 

• What would you like to achieve? 

• What would success look like? 

Reality 

• What matters most right now? 

• What might be getting in the way? 

Options 

• What might help? 

• What else could you do? 

Way forward 

• Which option might work best? 

• What could be a useful first step? 

 

Nicki explained that the same structure can work in a short conversation or a much longer one. The key is to avoid the temptation to jump in with an opinion or solution before the other person has had enough space to think.  

One attendee summed up their takeaway simply: “Listen.” Sometimes that may be the harder skill. 

 

Perhaps we don’t need to have the answer 

At The Juniper Co., we use coaching conversations across many settings. What continues to interest us is how often a simple question can shift the direction of a conversation. Workshop feedback reflected this. Attendees discussed listening and questioning with intention, asking more open questions, and staying authentic.  

There is a useful tension here. Being helpful can mean sharing our experience, expertise, and ideas. But sometimes it means holding those ideas back for a moment and listening a little longer. Asking one more question and giving someone enough space to hear their own thinking. 

 

What might change in one of your conversations this week if you went into it with fewer answers and one more question?